“When a woman is unable to bear a child, either due to the inability to become pregnant or the inability to carry a pregnancy to a live birth following either a previous pregnancy or a previous ability to carry a pregnancy to a live birth, she would be classified as having secondary infertility. Thus those who repeatedly spontaneously miscarry or whose pregnancy results in a stillbirth, or following a previous pregnancy or a previous ability to do so, are then not able to carry a pregnancy to a live birth would present with secondarily infertility” – That was me
I have decided that I am going to write an open and honest blog on tips and advice for getting through and dealing with infertility, but before I do that … there is 1 above all others that is the most important thing I wanted to share with you first that you need always to remember, whatever happens, just bear with me whilst I get there …
Here I am, Sunday morning brunch, readjusting my stretched elastic waistband under a bulging belly, whilst manoeuvring my already buxom boobs in a very attractive grey stretchy bolder holder bra and working out midwife and scan appointments with my husband …. because apparently it would seem, I am pregnant … nearly 17 weeks in fact!!!
This lack of comprehension has nothing to do with not wanting to accept this baby I am now carrying in my tummy and is already hugely apparent to the outside world, but rather not being able to, as after years of playing many mind games with my infertile self, learning to cope with endless disappointment, upset and frustration and telling myself it’s ok that we can’t have a baby, although praying every minute of every day that it will happen and this round of fertility treatment will be the one, now it has, this impossible dream has come true and I find myself pregnant … I suddenly realise that I have never wanted anything so much in all my life and that all the times I told myself I was ok in order to cope with endless negative pregnancy tests and nights I spent lying in bed with the all too familiar feeling of the cramping setting in that told me the morning would bring my period again may have been lies!!!!
Infertility is really bloody awful, I mean horrendous, full-on heart wrenching crappy, I’m sorry to be negative, but its true, whether you’re trying to conceive, unable to carry a baby, or losing one, it’s the most agonising and sad journey, especially when you know that you must stay positive and god forbid you show any emotion … or even talk about it to the wrong person, you would hate to make them feel uncomfortable, especially if you mention the “m” word. I am still astonished how miscarriage is still such a taboo subject, or on the reverse is something that is just shrugged off with remarks like “well it wasn’t really a baby anyway” or “it just wasn’t meant to be” … my face contorts at these statements, in to one of shock, I look for words to say to retort to this, but you just can’t seem to find them, how can you explain to another the loss you feel, so as myself and many of my friends have done you just say nothing at all or get on with things.
Hard though when the most innocent of comments from friends or strangers can be heartbreaking; there was one time personally for me, when after our first canceled IVF round, we had gone ahead and triggered the one follicle I had in the hopes it would be an egg and that would fertilise naturally (ha!!). Well the two week wait came and went, I had the well-timed implantation bleed and my period didn’t show, so believing in miracles we took the test and no sooner did the negative result come back then the cramps started and Aunt Flow arrived. To add salt to the wound I had gone down the superstitious line and decided not to restock tampons this month as I wouldn’t be needing them! Having popped to the local shop for supplies I waited in line behind a mum with a small child who had taken a happy curiosity in me from his pushchair and we were enthralled in playing a game of peepoe (despite the misconception, we infertile woman still feel joy from seeing other parents happy and to be honest it gives us hope and reminds us why we are doing the daily hormone shots!) however on reaching the cashier who I have seen on occasion over the years, she nodded over at the child and made that very common and well-meaning innocent comment “about time you had some little ones isn’t it” (you’re telling me!!!!!). Well to be honest, I think maybe anything could have done it that day, it was just unfortunate that it was then; the nose sting, head pain, wobbly lip and throat closed all at the same time and without staying for change me and my box of tampons ran out of the shop, making it to the car in time for the tears to come, and oh and did they come … and you realise the one thing you want more in the world is just not happening and yes for a small while you feel incredibly sorry for yourself, your heart aches and you have an empty feeling inside and decide that you can’t do another month or round like this, putting so much into so little, but then you get your arse back in gear, see things in the sunlight again and carry on, although always with the fear that this journey may be breaking you a little more every time.
So now here I am, the next round worked and it didn’t break me (or us!) and although I promised myself that I wouldn’t set benchmarks, the old infertile fear gets the better of you. The one that says “not this time” so as every week comes and goes, the “12 week” safety zone, hearing our little man’s heartbeat, seeing him wriggling on a screen in front of us, it very slowly starts to sink in that we really are pregnant, that it has worked, that he is safe and sound … that there are actually miracles in the world, even if sometimes you sit alone in tears and can’t see them at the time, they are there … and they do and WILL happen.
… above all else, always hold on to this ♥